Real Talk: What’s Missing
I had a bereavement client about a week ago who wanted to talk about the recent Charlie Kirk murder and how he felt about it. Right before he asked me what I thought about it, I had observed to him that our country and the world seemed to be getting to the point where we were no longer actually talking to each other, but where instead talking AT each other with no real intention of listening, conversing or being changed from our position. I identified this as a said state of affairs in our most basic societal behaviors, and noted that I tend to see this death by a thousand cuts daily.
Then he asked me what I thought about Kirk’s death. I started to tell him. I do not think I spoke for longer than five seconds before he cut me off and went on a ten-minute perseveration about how innocent and non-racist Kirk was. Most people who know me personally know that I do not tolerate not being heard, ESPECIALLY when I am asked to speak. Nope! I noted to him that he cut me off and did not afford me the same respect I had afforded him. That it made my original point to him that we are not really trying to listen to each other but instead have our position validated AND agreed to.
And that’s one of many rubs for me. Authentic conversation does not require agreement, to me. Neither does validation. But I think we have conflated both of these things to believe that a person HAS to agree with me for me to be heard. Real talk, for me, means that we are direct, up front and clear with our thoughts and sharing. We may or may not agree with each other. But most times I try to listen to someone with an expectation that I will walk away changed by the engagement. At the very least, I will learn how someone thinks very differently from me. To me, there is value in that, because my world is being expanded beyond the boundaries of what I know, believe or hold true. I see it much the same as all the dead white male theologians I had to study in seminary. 99% of what they wrote did not connect with me, my experience of God or just my life experience. At. All. But the GOOD professors I had taught me that there was value in studying beliefs other than my own so I become more competent as a spiritual leader – especially since many people in the religious spaces I served held those traditional beliefs. I was able to walk with parishioners more closely and use their own language to help them find the meaning they sought. None of that made me more conservative or in line with those beliefs. But it did change me and make me more compassionate.
My challenge to those reading this is to engage someone who doesn’t see things the way you do. At the same time, insist on respect and reciprocity. Challenge them to put down the bullshit, gaslighting or domination by perseveration and to really listen as you seek to do the same. If they can find their courage and humility to agree to this, it will take us a step back toward the civility that seems to be evaporating by the day. That’s my hope, at least.
